11 January, 2011

Thoughts, part II

More events of recent times. I went back to the apartment that i am currently trying to move out of. My ex was there, and was perturbed to see me coming to get my stuff, saying snarky remarks here and there, throwing attitude about. I took my stuff and left, apologizing for what i had become as i shut the door. What i didnt realize was how distraught she slowly became during the process of me moving a few of my things out. She began to cry, and beg. For me back. After all of the things i had done. I went to work, and when i got out, i got a call from her. She had obviously been out drinking, because she was drowning in tears begging me to come back, and to be with her. I literally couldn't understand her through the sobs. When i told her i had to go, she said <*Fine, Ill go die now>... Weird huh? Even weirder thing is 20 mins later i get a text from her that says <*mass text* BYE>. I called her, thinking the worst. Yeah, it was happening. she had taken most of a bottle of Tylenol pm. i started to rush over there, but later discovered it wasn't a mass text at all, just sent to me. Oh, and she had thrown up most of the pills whilst on the phone with me. I turned the car around, and went back to where i am currently staying and phoned the authorities. She texted me after i told her that i had alerted the authorities saying <*Thx, in the hospital, no insurance*> Wow. All i can say is wow. How do i turn out to be the asshole when someone becomes so psychologically disturbed that they threaten to kill themselves when a relationship ends. I Cant deal with that kind of stress. begging me to come back, saying things will be different. thats what was said the last 10 times. They wont be different. Im detached. Yes, Ill go feed the dog whilst you are under suicide watch. Yes, I wont touch anything. NO, I will not come over to just talk after youve been drinking and just threw up half a bottle of tylenol pm, crying to me about how youre lonely when weve been apart 2 days. Im not an asshole, but i will not enable this situation any further.

TL;DR BAWWW Attempted suicide got ex girlfriend a hospital stay, Im the bad guy.

09 January, 2011

Thoughts, part UN

I know you dont read this. I know no one probably ever will. This is for me. My Catharsis. Insecurity. Thats all I am. A giant ball if insecure. But in the when and now of today, where can you be secure. So many crazy people. SO many patterns. I follow the same pattern every time. I cant fix everyone. Or anyone. Im not a soul repairman. The best i do is put a band aid on it. Im broken myself. I need to secure my own stiches before i can tend to anyone elses wounds. Woah. too much bullshit wordplay. too many periods for that matter. Ive given life my all right now, and it seems like everything is falling apart. I have myself stuck in a job i hate, making minimum wage, barely scraping by, depressed. I can hardly work up the smile anymore to fake that i actually like the place im at in my life. I should have stayed in school. i could be making 100k a year by now. instead i make 11. I will finish tomorrrow.