04 April, 2011

Epic drug test tale.

So, this morning I had a drug test for the new job. I strolled into the office thinking i was gonna ace the test. 
Fuck yeah, Drug test. No problem

I had the utmost confidence in myself. I was ready to go. I had drank a TON of water. Literally a metric TON. The lady handed me the cup, and led me to the facilities. This is where the epic battle begins.

I stood there with little plastic cup in my hand, nothing to worry about. I dont do any drugs, my bladders is full. Lets do this. I whip out, and prepare to unleash the motherfucking fury on this drug test. But i hear a noise outside of the door, and my bladder suddenly goes FUCK NO DUDE. PEOPLE CAN HEAR.
Are you serious?

I look down and give my man The Look. 

ME:Are you serious right now?
DUDEJUNK: Yeah. Totally serious. Someone can hear us
ME: Dude, just do it. We have nothing to worry about.
DUDEJUNK:  I know we dont, but she can hear us,

Dudejunk Decided to be an asshole. He sat there. Not a damn drop. SO i decided to start negotiating. I tried bargaining, but nothing was working. Then i remembered a nugget of information someone had told me a while back, about how when you poo, the poo pushes a little on your bladder, maybe thats all i needed to start the flow. I did that, and NOTHING.

SO now, i have a lady waiting outside, waiting for a cup of my urine, and Im sitting on the now full toilet, empty cup in my hand, full bladder, and shy dudejunk. I stand back up and readjust my situation. 
Dudejunk decided it still was not gonna happen. So i decided to go for broke. 

Time to push.

So I did. 
Dudejunk was angry too, and fought back!

But i somehow came out on top, and pushed just enough out to make the test.

Now if you excuse me, the traitor has to relieve himself.



  1. Oh, this made me giggle. Excellent post, excellent post. Best one I've read all day. =)